Life’s a Mystery
I have had catscans to check for any signs of Cancer since completing my aggressive chemo regiment. Despite more phone calls then I can count I still do not have conclusive results, and I have left all the messages for the doctor that they will allow for now, and so I continue to wait.
Life is filled with mystery, and being the intelligent, sometimes considered analytic, and compassionate creation we are as human beings we often seek to understand things that are not intended to be within our understanding. Since being diagnosed with an aggressive form of Ovarian Cancer I have resisted asking the question why, but lately the temptation to understand has been a lot more captivating. As doctor’s bills begin to pour in and I am no longer regulated by such an intrusive chemo schedule I am left with a lot more questions then I had when I began this journey. Questions about if Cancer will ever return, what does God want me to do with the life I’ve been given, and will I continue to appreciate things as I longed to do while I was so sick and helpless. I don’t feel like my faith has weakened, but maybe I could compare this transitional time with the darkness experienced with the recent Oklahoma tornadoes that has impacted many across the nation. There is so much destruction, so much doubt and sadness, but through it all there is light. There is light in those who have chosen to give, serve, and reach out to those affected and light experienced by the growth that happens in the midst of tragedy.
With the tornadoes, and for me my Cancer diagnosis, there are many questions and lots of why’s that can only be directed by a God who is in control of it all. To quote something my husband said about his childhood following his father’s death from Melanoma he stated, ” I never lost faith that God was real, that He was alive, and that He cared about my family. I thought to myself many nights if God is not all that we as Christians believe Him to be we are in more trouble then we appear to be in, someone better be driving this train!”
The blessing in it all is that God is everything we believe Him to be. He is directing this train of life even when we are burdened with more questions and sorrow then we care to be bombarded with, and still when we feel so blessed we feel the need to shout it from every social media outlet we have access to. My husband is the king of analogies, and one of my favorites he has shared with me is that life is like a football game. If you knew you were going to win every time there would be no motivation or intrigue to suit up and play. Sometimes the game will bring hurt and sadness, but other times it brings such joy you want to shout from the rooftops. Because life is a journey and mystery we are captivated by it, and I am thankful to be captivated by a God who is good to those who choose Him even when life feels a little too mysterious.